if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
