I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
