So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
