Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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