I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize