I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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