wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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