I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
