last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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