is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
