Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
