There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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