had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
