He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
