Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
