Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
