she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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