I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
