Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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