Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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