Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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