Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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