ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
