Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize