so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
