Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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