I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
