I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
