I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Randomize
