You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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