Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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