The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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