Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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