She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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