I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
