my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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