dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
