i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
