WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
