I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
