I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
