I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
