and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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