I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
