Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
