Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
