It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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