I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
