Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
