my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
