I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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