i love accidental penises.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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