I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
