i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
