this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
